Coffee in the Kokiri Forest
by Hammermaster
Summary: Link's adventure begins with... a coffee break? Ch. 9 Navi: The Great Coordinator. Link wakes up after seven years of sleeping. Now he must face reality: he is an incredibly hot seventeen year old male, and all the girls still love him.
1. Great Dekunament Tree and Coffee

It was a random day seven years before this young hot shot came out of the temple of time and claimed that he'd been asleep for seven years (and dreamed of donuts the whole time). This little Kokiri kid named Link was walking through the Kokiri forest. It seemed the Great Dekunamenut tree had "summoned" him for a coffee break. With him was his fairy guardian Navi. She protected him from the dangers of the forest, such as low hanging branches, and bottomless pits.

**Thud!**

"Link watch out for that low hanging branch!" Navi shouted.

"Thank you so much!" Link said, standing back up, and brushing the leaves out of his hair. "Stupid low hanging branch! You did that on purpose!"

Link then proceeded the run circles around the tree all the while growling angrily.

"Wow!" Navi said. "This is what I call a spectator sport."

Link then ran back into the low hanging branch, and fell backwards, and fell right into a deep ditch.

"That was good," Navi said.

"Oh you're a real guardian, fairy," Link said sarcastically.

"Oh Linky!" said a familiar voice.

"How many times have I told you not to call me Linky?" Link said.

Saria then ran out towards him, and gave him a big hug.

"Oh crap," Link said before he was enveloped in the gigantic embrace.

"I have a surprise," Saria said.

"Surprise?" Link said.

"Guess what? I love you!" Saria said.

"Oh crap," Link said to himself. "Uh, I just met you yesterday Saria and..."

"I still love you!"

"Uh, that's nice, well, I better be going somewhere."

With that, Link ran for his life, with Saria in hot pursuit.

"Wait up for me honeybun," Saria said.

After about ten minutes, Link managed to lose Saria. Once again, he was walking aimlessly through the forest.

"Hey look," he said. "Kokiri Forest Shop, I wonder what they sell there?"

Link then entered the shop, and stepped up to the counter.

"Welcome welcome," the man at the counter said, "to the Kokiri Forest Shop. The shop that happens to be in the Kokiri forest. What a coincidence, see? The name of the shop is just like the name of the forest!"

"That's great, so what do you have?" Link asked.

"We got Deku sticks, Deku rocks, and Deku nuts," the man said excitedly, pointing at a normal stick, a normal rock, and a normal nut.

"Oookay," Link said. "Anything special about them? Or did you just add Deku to the beginning to make them sound cool."

"Um..." the man said.

"Got anything else?" Link said.

"We got food," the man said. "How about a nice recovery heart. You eat it, and your life energy will increase by one heart."

"I only have one heart," Link said. "Why? Do you have three hearts or something?"

"Uh yeah, doesn't everyone?" the man said, feeling his heart beat.

"Uh, yeah, I'll take a recovery heart," Link said.

"You want fries with that?" the man asked.

"Uh... no."

Later Link went to the entrance to the Dekunamenut Tree's home. Mido, for some reason was guarding the entrance.

"You can't enter unless you have a sword and a shield!" he shouted at Link, trying unsuccessfully to be intimidating.

"Why?" Link asked. "Has the Dekunamenut Tree gone homicidal or something?"

"Noooooooooooooo! The Dekunamenut Tree's gone homicidal! Run for your lives!" Mido then ran off screaming bloody murder.

Link just shrugged, and walked in to see the Dekunamenut Tree.

"Navi Navi," the Dekunamenut Tree said in a high and mighty sounding voice. "Though hast done well to bringeth Link to me."

"Great," the fairy said. "So, why are you talking so strangely."

"Alwight, fwine," the Dekunamenut Tree said in a very strange voice. "I wwill twack nwormally fwor aw chwange."

"Don't ever do that again," Navi said.

"Then I must speaketh in the wonderfulleth tongueth."

"Enough of the eths," Navi said, "get on to business."

"Link Link," the Tree said. "Wouldest thou liketh some coffee-eth?"

"No thanks," Link said. "But if you have some coffee I would be happy to take some."

"That's what I sayeth," the Tree said. "Coffee."

"No, you said coffee-eth."

"Okay Navi, thou nowest more than I do that coffee tasteth better with cream and sugar then blacketh."

"Actually I like black coffee," Navi said.

"Silence you pathetic mortal!"

"Okay," Navi said, "now you are beginning to sound like a character from one of the author's other books in a not yet submitted chapter."

"Oh shutteth up Navi," the Tree said. "Thou talksts of nothing."

"Now you sound like you are quoting Romeo and Juliet," Navi said.

"Thou fairies knoweth nothingeth. Thou Kokiri knoweth all! I bow before the Kokiri!"

"Excuse me?" Link said. "I thought the Kokiri were supposed to bow to you."

"Thou knowest nothing!" The tree said. "Hereth is thou's coffee. Now Navi, thou thinkest that I giveth coffee to youeth, but youeth be wrongeth."

"Actually, I don't like coffee," Navi said.

"Dost though liketh tea-eth?" the tree asked. "I drink ze tea with me fingers thirty eight hours a day."

"You don't have fingers," Navi said.

"Yes I do."

Link then got freaked out by the Dekunamenut tree arguing with the fairy, so he ran for his life.


	2. Chapter 2 Attack of Deku Scrubs, and Ko

**Chapter 2 Attack of Deku Scrubs, and Kokiri Women**

After Link finished drinking the Dekunament Tree's coffee, he decided to leave the forest. So, he began walking in search of the exit. But he got lost, and stumbled around for hours. Then he heard voices. He followed them, and found the four identical Kokiri sisters talking in the woods.

"None of you have seen Link anywhere?"

"No, but I wish we had."

"Saria is so lucky, she got to..."

"I wish we had found Link, he's such a..."

"Excuse me girls," Link said. "Do any of you know the direction to the exit of the Kokiri forest?"

"It's Link!" all four girls said at once.

"Link," one said, "we have something we would like to tell you."

"Uh, what?" Link asked.

"We love you!"

"Oh crap," Link said, nervously looking back and forth for an escape route. "You know, Saria told me the same thing yesterday... and-"

"Oh poo," one of the girls said. "Saria gets all the luck."

"So now the two of you are an item?" one of the girls asked, rather unhappily.

"No," Link said, "definitely not."

"Oh pick me!" one girl said, running to his side.

"I'll be your girlfriend," another said, running over and putting a hand on Link's shoulder.

"I will too!" another said, running up and beginning to massage Link's shoulders.

"Uh girls," Link said, "hold on, this isn't a good time to..."

"Back off," the fourth girl said, walking up and pushing the girl who was rubbing Link's shoulders away, "he's mine."

"No he's mine," the other's all said at the same time.

The girls then proceeded to grab Link's shirt in different places, and began to play tug of war with him.

"This isn't my day," Link said to himself.

"Woa girls," Link said. "Time out. I don't really like... any of you, so could you please stop fighting over me?"

The girls ignored him completely, and continued pulling at his shirt. Suddenly, Link's shirt split in half, and fell off of him.

"Oh great," Link said. "Now I gotta buy a new tee shirt, and the only store here is that dang Kokiri forest shop."

"Hey, I want Link's shirt," the first girl said when the third girl picked it up.

"No its mine!" the second girl said.

The girls then began to play tug of war with Link's shirt. The shirt then split into four different pieces, and each girl ran off with their piece, completely forgetting that Link was still there.

"That was... wierd," Link said.

"That was hilarious!" Navi said, popping out of nowhere.

"Where have you been?" Link said. "I had to fend off those girls all by myself.

"I was drinking tea with the Great Dekunament Tree," Navi said.

"I don't get it," Link said. "What is it with Kokiri women? It's like the very sight of me drives them crazy. I'm not that good looking, am I?"

"No," Navi replied.

"Stop insulting me Navi!" Link shouted.

"But you said..."

Anyways, Link then walked to the Kokiri forest shop to buy a new shirt.

"Hey do you deal in shirts," Link said, after walking in.

"Why yes we... Link!"

"What?" Link looked up, and saw that the former clerk at the store had switched places with a... Kokiri girl.

"Oh crap," Link said, taking a step backwards.

"Oh my gosh!" the little girl squealed, "you are the most gorgeous man that ever lived!"

"Uh, thanks but... uh..."

"Will you give me a kiss?"

"Uh, bye bye."

And with that, Link ran for his life, with the Kokiri forest shop girl in hot pursuit. He ran and ran, and after losing her, he stopped at his home to pick up a new shirt. Then he finally decided to leave the forest.

"You're leaving," said a familiar voice, jarring Link in his path.

Link turned, and saw Saria standing right behind him.

"Not again," Link whimpered.

"I knew you would leave someday," Saria said, "after all, you aren't like us."

"Yeah," Link said, remembering that none of the Kokiri men got attacked by Kokiri women everyday. "I'm making a quick run to McDonHyrulalds. Want me to pick you up a cheese burger or something?"

"I hope you will remember me always," Saria said sadly.

"Uh, I'll be back in like... ten minutes, so why are you..."

"Please take this fairy Electric Guitar with you. Its my gift to you. And please come visit me soon."

Sarai then handed him a Electric Guitar.

"Uh, thanks, but why are you being so dramatic about this? I'm just making a quick run to McDonHyrulalds..."

"Good bye Link," Saria said.

"See you later," Link said, and then walked off.

And on Link went, on a great and noble quest. He held his head high, and fought against many challenges.

"Aaaaauuuuuuggggghhhhhh!" Link screamed as he ran down Hyrule field.

Behind him ran a large army of Deku Scrubs.

"Catch the traitor to the cause!" they shrieked as they ran after him.

"How did this happen?" Navi asked, popping out of Link's hat.

"Well... they say I'm a traitor to the cause."

"Cause, what cause?"

"That's what I asked them," Link said.

"Stop!" Navi suddenly shouted at the army, which stopped immediately. "May I ask why you are chasing my pet Kokiri?"

"I'm not your pet... Ow!" Link began before being silenced by a bolt of lightning which Navi tossed at him.

"He-he-he," Navi chuckled. "Don't you just love the fact that I have magic powers?"

"Shockingly no," Link said, rubbing his injury.

"He is a traitor to the cause!" one of the Deku Scrubs said.

"Cause," Navi said, "what cause?"

"A cause we have honored for a long time," another Scrub said.

"Yeah, a whole two minutes as of now," a third Scrub said.

"Riiight," Navi said. "But what is the cause?"

"No one will step on grass," the first Scrub said.

"But you are all standing on grass right now," Navi said.

"We are no!" the third one said. "Are we? Aaa! We're standing on grass!"

"Aaaaaauuuuuugggggghhhhh!" all the Scrubs shrieked before running off back towards the forest.


	3. Chapter 3 Account of Pretty Girls Flirt

**Chapter 3 Account of Pretty Girls Flirting with you in Hyrule Market**

Link finally went to Hyrule Market to find McDonHyrulealds. When he entered, he saw a mass of people running around, making deals, and selling stuff. He was quite happy when he saw no Kokiri girls.

"Dang, that's a relief," Link said.

"What is?" Navi said, popping out of Link's hat.

"There are no Kokiri girls here."

"So?"

"Haven't you noticed that Kokiri women seem to go crazy at the very sight of me?"

"Yeah, you'd think they'd be smarter than that."

"Shut up!"

"Oh sure, blame me!"

"But seriously," Link said, "I don't get what it is with Kokiri women and all. I mean..."

"Hey handsome," a girl said while walking by.

"I take it it isn't just Kokiri women who fall at your feet," Navi said.

"Oh crap," Link groaned. "How is it that I have this like... instant effect on girls? Why do they always fall at my feet?"

"Chloroform?" Navi suggested.

"No!" Link shouted, causing Navi to laugh. Link then turned, and looked over at a girl in the crowd. "Say, look at that girl!"

"What girl?" Navi turned, and saw a pretty red haired girl who was about Link's age. "Uh Link, we didn't come here to pick up women. If we needed to do that, we could have stayed with Saria in the Kokiri forest."

"Don't even say that!" Link said, shivering at the thought. "Navi, I wasn't saying we should pick up women, its just she must know where McDonHyrulealds is, so lets go ask her."

"Yeah sure, we are after all, on a quest."

"Quest? What quest?"

"Uh, when I told the Great Dekunamenut Tree where we were going he requested that we pick him up a large coffee."

"With cream and sugar?"

"Oh yeah."

"Fascinating. Lets go ask that girl where McDonHyrulealds is."

"Okay," Navi said, hoping that Link would get talked again.

"Excuse me," Link said to the girl, "could you give me directions too..."

The girl turned, and her face went from bored, to incredibly happy, and elated.

"Why hello there..."

"His name's Link," Navi said, popping out of Link's hat, "and spend all the time you want flirting with him, cause boy's like him are hard to find."

"Navi be quiet!" Link shouted, swatting the fairy away.

"A fairy! That's awesome!" the girl said. "You must be one of those fairy folk from the forest."

"They're called Kokiri," Navi said, "and if you knew any of them, you wouldn't call them something as gentle sounding as fairy folk. Fairy Hooligans maybe, but..."

"Alright Navi, stop!" Link said, his face very red.

"My name's Malon fairy boy. You look sooo cute in that green Christmas suit!"

"Um, please don't attack me..."

"I'm not going to attack you," Malon said surprised, "but could I cuddle you?"

"It was nice meeting you," Link said, and abruptly stood up and ran away.

"Wait for me cutie," Malon said, running after Link.

Link ran all the way to the gates of Hyrule Castle. That is, he ran until the insane guards stopped him.

"Stop!" they said. "In the name of my mother's brother!"

Then he turned around, and walked back the other way.

"So they won't let me go to McDonHyrulealds," Link said. "Dang! And I really wanted a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy."

"Oh well," Navi said. "You could go buy a smoothie, and share it with that little Malon girl."

"Navi!"

"Now hold your horses lover boy."

"I don't like Malon at all! She's just... prettier and nicer than most other girls I've met before."

"Aha! So where do you want to go on your honeymoon?"

"Shut up!"

"What are you guy's talking about?"

Link stopped, immediately when he heard Malon's voice.

"Uh, I was just... uh, trying to go to McDonHyrulealds, but the gates to the castle are shut."

"Why don't you try climbing up this vine? It should be easy for a handsome man like you. And please wake my dad up for me, I think he fell asleep."

"Don't worry, I-" Link began.

"-must now say farewell to you fair lady. I must tear myself from your side," Navi finished.

"Navi!"

"Oh, you were going to say that Fairy Boy? You're so sweat!"

"Oh crap," Link whispered. "Next thing you know she's going to start asking me for a kiss."

"Could you give me a kiss before you go?"

"You see?" Link said to Navi. "I was right!"

"No, I heard what you said," Malon said with a smile. "It's easy to read handsome men."

"Next she's going to ask if she can have a lock of hair," Link whispered.

"Fairy boy, could I have a-"

"No! And stop listening in on my conversation!" Link shouted.

Malon just giggled.

"You're cute, and easy to tease," Malon said.

"I think she has a major crush on me," Link whispered to Navi.

"You don't say," Navi whispered back.

"Link I have a major crush on you," Malon said with a mischievous smile.

"We'll discuss the rest later," Link said so softly that he was sure Malon didn't hear him this time.

"No please, can I talk with you too?"

"Aauugghh!" Link shrieked before running straight down the path before colliding into a tree and collapsing.

Both Navi and Malon erupted into laughter.


	4. Chapter 4 Oh Crap, Malon helps again, b

**Chapter 4 Oh Crap, Malon helps again, but Zelda doesn't**

"C'mon Fairy Boy," Malon said through her laughter. "Climb up this vine and go off to McDonHyrulealds."

"Stupid low hanging branch," Link said as he got to his feet. These trees really don't like me."

"Yeah, well Malon obviously does," Navi said.

"What's your point?" Link said standing up.

"You know the phrase: "hug a tree?""

"Yeah," Link said impatiently.

"Well if the trees don't like you, hug the things which do."

"Navi!"

In response to this, Malon ran over the Link and enveloped him in a big hug.

"Oh crap," Link said, struggling to get free. "Navi, give me a hand will you?"

"Sorry, this is too entertaining."

"Uh, Malon, would you greatfully mind... letting go of me?" Link said to Malon.

Malon let go, and smiled at Link.

"Now go find McDonHyrulealds," Malon said before turning Link towards the vine, and pushing him towards it."

"Uh, okay."

Link grabbed the vine, and hoisted himself up off the ground. Malon waved after him as he climbed. Link growled in excursion as he climbed up the vine.

"C'mon Link," Navi said, "use the brute strength. You know girls go crazy over mighty men."

"The girls are already crazy about me," Link said. "And believe me, it isn't necessarily a good thing."

"Yeah," Navi said. "If I'm lucky the clerk at McDonHyrulealds will be a girl, but if you're lucky then it will be a guy."

"Oh crap," Link said as he began to imagine the possibilities. "God, please make the clerk a man, amen."

Link made it to the top, and began walking across the raised ground. He then slipped, and fell down the hill to the opposite side of the gate.

"What was that?" one of the guards at the gate asked.

"Was it my mother's brother?" the second guard said.

Malon immediately ran up to distract the guards.

"Hello guards," Malon said. "Why are you standing here guarding the entrance?"

"Because we guard it in the name of my mother's brother!" they both said, rather proudly.

"Who is your mother's brother?" Malon asked.

"He is the brother or my mother," one said.

"What he said," the other said.

"Ooookay," Malon said. "Why does he want you to guard the entrance?"

"Because... because... because that is the definition of mother's brother," one said. "The one who wants the gates guarded."

"I thought you said the definition was the brother of your mother?" Malon said.

"Um..."

"Anyways, don't you think your mother's brother would rather the two of you go home and go to sleep? It's a late night, and you know what your mother would think of that!"

"What?" the guards both said. "Oh yeah! Mother said our bed time was eight o'clock! We'd better be going home."

With that, the two guards ran away as fast as they could.

"How was that Fairy Boy?" Malon said, giggling girlishly.

"Oh great," Link said panting. "Couldn't we have just done that in the first place instead of using that vine?"

"Sorry Fairy Boy," Malon said. "I didn't think of it until now."

Malon then walked up to the gate, and stretched her arm between the bars.

"Will you kiss my hand before going out, like a Knight would?"

"All right," Link sighed, "all right."

Link took Malon's hand in his, and kissed the top of it. Link then turned and walked away.

"Goodbye now, Fairyboy," Malon said, before looking at the top of her hand, where Link had kissed it.

"That was... interesting," Navi said, popping out of Link's hat.

"Shut up."

"Oh, the hero kisses the ladies hand. How romantic!"

"Navi!"

"Oh c'mon, would you have kissed Saria's hand if she had asked you to? No, you wouldn't have."

"Hey Navi, if you had women problems like I do, then..."

"Yeah," Navi said. "Most men talk about women problems, as in they can't get a girl, or they are having trouble in a relationship. Your problem is you can't keep them off of you."

"Shut up and lets just find the dang McDonHyrulealds."

"Yeah, uh, I think it's over there."

There, just up the pathway, in the shadow of Hyrule Castle stood a small restaurant with the word: "McDonHyrulealds" printed on the top.

"Oh yeah," Link said, "Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy time!"

"You know," Navi said, "I really wish they would shorten the name of that burger."

"What burger?" Link asked. "The Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy?"

"Yeah."

"What could they possibly shorten it to? Big Mac-ayho?"

"How about just Big Mac."

"You're crazy. No one would ever agree with that!"

"Maybe in the twentieth century they will," Navi said.

In the Twentieth Century...

"Hey, let's shorten the name of the Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy," Man1 said.

"What would we shorten it to?" Man2 asked.

"How about the Big Mac?" Man1 answered.

"Are you crazy?" Man2 replied. "No one will ever go for that."

"Yeah well, I'm going to rename them anyways.

The next week, the amount of McDonald's fans buying that burger doubles in quantity.

"Oh well, so I was off by a little bit," Man2 said.

Back to our regularly scheduled uh... eighth century or something...

"Oh darn," Link said, "it's closed!"

"Bummer," Navi said, "wait, read that sign."

"What sign?"

"The one at the bottom."

The sign read: "If you wish to buy a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy when the store is closed, then go visit Princess Zelda of Hyrule."

"Oh great," Link said, "another girl."

"How much you wanna bet she falls head over heals for you at first sight?" Navi teased.

"Oh be quiet Navi," Link said. "If I were the Great Dekunament Tree I would say that thou talksts of nothing."

"Oh right," Navi said, "but you aren't a two ton tree with an sweat tooth for coffee, are you?"

Anyways, this argument went on for quite a while, with Link and Navi going back and forth. But finally, they managed to sneak into a secret garden which was supposed to be Princess Zelda's. On the gate which surrounded it, the words: "Zelda's Hangout Bin," were written, causing much confusion for Navi and Link. What the heck was a Hangout Bin?

Link opened the gate, and walked into the garden. Ahead, he saw the Princess looking in through a window.

"This would make a good story," Navi said, "Princess Zelda was found eavesdropping."

"Except I'm not a Gossip Columnist," Link said.

"Oh whatever," Navi said. "Just hurry up and ask her for a Big Mac-aywatchamacallit already."

"Now I'm getting nervous," Link said. "What if she attacks me?"

"That means a good show for me," Navi said.

"Shut up!" Link said a bit too loudly, for at that moment the Princess freaked out, and turned to face Link.

"Oh crap!" She cried out, when she saw that Link was watching her. "I wasn't eavesdropping on the hot new Hylian Guard, honest!"

"You were spying on a hot new Hylian Guard?" Link said in disbelief.

"Okay, that's just scary," Navi said.

"You can say that again," Link replied.

"I wasn't eavesdropping on the hot new Hylian Guard, honest!" Zelda said again.

"No not you," Link said, "I was talking to Navi."

"Oh," Zelda said. "Oh, and another thing, I am not that strange person who keeps writing anonymous love letters to him!" Zelda said rather decisively.

"Uh..." Link was speechless.

"You aren't very good at keeping secrets," Navi said.

"Okay, fine, I confess," Zelda said. "I was spying on the hot new Hylian Guard. But he is so adorable! Take a look."

"Uh Princess," Link said, "I can assure you that I won't think that guy is very adorable at all."

"Just look anyways," Zelda said.

Link sighed, and walked to the window. He looked through, and saw a very ugly man walking up to a throne, and bowing down.

"Holy crap!" Link said. "You were spying on this guy?"

Zelda took a quick peek through the window.

"No," she said, "of course not. That's this Gerudo Burglar who claims to be trustworthy, even thought he is a thief. The guard I was spying on is to his left."

Link looked through the window again.

"Oh, but he's like... the same age as you and me."

"So?" Zelda said, "I certainly can't marry an older guy and..."

"No," Link said, "I mean he looks a bit... young to be a guard. Your father hirde him?"

"Yeah," Zelda said, "you see, my father's a few sandwiches short of a picnic."

"Kind of like the Great Dekunament Tree," Link said.

"Do you have a stone?" Zelda asked.

"Do I have a what?" Link asked in surprise.

"A stone," Zelda said.

Link picked up a pebble from the ground, and placed it in the Princess' hands.

"No," Zelda said, rolling her eyes, "I mean do you have a green stone?"

"No," Link said.

"Oh good," Zelda said, "then you can go to death mountain and find me a shiny red stone!"

"Why would I do that?" Link asked.

"So I can give it to that hot new guard," Zelda said, with a dreamy look in her eyes.

"You mean that guy you're stalking... I mean pursuing?" Link asked.

"Yeah, that's him."

"Why don't you just go get it yourself?"

"Cause I got to stay here and make sure nobody gets this Electric Guitar of Time thingy," Zelda said.

"Why can't anyone get it?" Link asked.

"Because I said so," Zelda said.

"Ooookay," Link said.

"I'd say she's a few carrots short of a picnic as well," Navi whispered in Link's ear.

"That's sandwiches," Link said.

"Whatever!"

"But Princess," Link said. "We didn't come to you to do your chores, you see, we came on the account of there being a McDonHyrulealds which said..."

"Oh good," Zelda said. "There is a McDonHyrulealds at Death Mountain, go get 'er."

Link stood there with his mouth hanging open for a while, before turning around walking away.

"Oh great," Link said to Navi, "we went all this way to get sent somewhere else."

"Somewhere else?" Navi asked, "that's just great. We don't wanna keep the Great Dekunament Tree waiting."

"Why do we need to worry about that?" Link asked. "He's got, like, his own Espresso Machine with him in the forest."

"Oh whatever," Navi said, "but he doesn't want Espresso. He wants coffee."

"Doesn't matter," Link said, "lets just go."


	5. Chapter 5 DodongoCongo's Cavern, and Th

**Chapter 5 DodongoCongo's Cavern, and Three Hundred Fangirls**

_**Hello good people of this world. Now Link begins his epic journey to get the stupid red stone that Princess Zelda ordered him to get. And hopefully get a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy as well. And of course, the large coffee for the Great Dekunamenut Tree. And will he meet more maurading women again?**_

"Aaaaauuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhh!" Link screamed and ran away from the avalanche. Boulders in the shape of donuts fell down upon Link, covering him completely.

"That was impressive," Navi said, flying up out of the rubble. "Link survives a Deku Scrub attack, lives through numerous attacks of enamored women, and then gets nailed by a bunch of rocks.

"Shut up," Link said, climbing out from the rubble.

"Come on," Navi said, "let's just go up there, get a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchyamacallit and a large coffee, and get out of here."

"Whatever," Link said, continuing his climb.

When he arrived at the top of the Mountain, he found a cave which led to Goron City. The home of the Goron's, and the birthplace of modern aviation.

"Birthplace of modern what?" Link said.

Aviation Link, don't you understand?

"No," Link said, "what the crap is aviation, and who are you?"

I am the Author Link, aviation is something which will come in the future.

"I thought that Ohio was the birthplace of aviation," Navi said.

No, that's Kittyhawk.

"It was flown in Kittyhawk, but designed in Ohio," Navi said.

Um, is that really relevant right now?

"Yes."

Well anyways, Goron City was later renamed Kittyhawk some time around the thirteenth and a half century.

"Okay, that is not true," Navi said. "Thirteenth and a half? Where did you get that number Author?"

Oh whatever, this is a comedy, isn't it?

"Weird things are happening," Navi said.

"Oh, and I forgot to mention," Link said, "you were wrong. Zelda didn't fall for me. Yes! For once one girl didn't attack me at first sight!"

"Oh yeah, do you think that's going to repeat itself?" Navi asked. "No, that was one women. When we leave this big Birthplace of Aviation place, then we could test my theory."

Anyways, Navi and Link traveled through Goron City, keeping a sharp lookout for rolling Gorons, which knocked the Link down one to many times. Anyways, eventually a large boulder came rolling down the public pathway, and Link ran for his life. But he wasn't fast enough. The boulder slammed into him, sending the poor Kokiri flying over the edge of the public pathway, and down three floors. Link crashed on the ground rather painfully.

"Oh crap," Link said as he got back up to his feet.

"That was graceful," Navi said.

"Oh yeah," Link said sarcastically. "This is poor building planning."

"Oh look!" Navi said. "A door! Perhaps it leads to McDonHyrulealds."

"Yeah, but the clerk might be a female."

"So what, what are the chances that a female Goron would fall for you?"

"Uh, I'm hoping they are slim to none, because Goron's are heavy, and I don't want them to tackle me.

"Hurry up and go in so we can get a dang... burger already. As well as the large coffee for the Great Dekunamenut Tree."

"Oh right," Link said. "This was supposed to be a ten minute run to McDonHyrulealds, and so far I have spent two hours dodging attacking women, and meeting a Princess who was spying on one of her Dad's guards!"

So anyways, Link walked through the door, where he found, not McDonHyrulealds, but a big room with a big Goron standing on one end of it.

"Uh, is this McDonHyrulealds?" Link asked.

"I already told you that I wouldn't give you the superkitty stone of fire until you open up DodongoCongo's Cavern!" the Goron shouted.

"What? I never asked for a... stone, and you never told me to open up... DodongoCongo's Cavern."

"That music makes me really happy. All of a sudden I felt an incredible urge to just dance! So, who are you, and what do you want?"

"What music?"

"Who are you? Whaddaya want?"

"Um, I'm Link," Link began. "I want a nice degree in College, a nice career, and a good wife who doesn't tackle me whenever she sees me. Now, I still want her to tackle me, just not all the time."

"No no no," the Goron said, "that's long term. I'm talking short term here buddy."

"Well, I would like a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy, and..."

"Well, if you take this shiny bracelet thingy, you can pick bomb flowers," the Goron said, holding out a handkerchief with the words: "Shiny Bracelet Thingy" written on the side.

"Uh, that's not what I wanted. I mean, I don't even know what a bomb flower is... and..."

"Reopen DodongoCongo's cavern, and I will give you the superkitty stone of fire.

"Can't I just buy a cheaper red stone at your souvenir shop?"

"The souvenir shop went out of business. The owner got married and settled down somewhere south of the border."

"Lucky guy," Link whispered to Navi.

"C'mon Link," Navi said, "with all the girls going for you, I wouldn't be surprised if their are girls reading this story and falling for you."

"I hope not," Link said.

Meanwhile, all over the world millions of Link fangirls were reading this fanfic, and, as Navi put it, falling for Link.

"See?" Navi said, "I was right."

"Oh crap," Link replied. "Well, at least they can't get into the story."

Oh, really? Are you sure Link? Because if you aren't, you do realize that half a million fan girls could barge right into this story, with Link on their next menu.

"Yeah," Link replied. "I'm pretty sure."

"Oh what the heck," Navi said, "if it's that impossible to get the fan girls into the fanfic, then I'll help them get in."

"You wouldn't," Link said.

Navi held out her hand, and a big wooden cage appeared on the ground next to her. On the front, the words: "Link fan girls" were written.

"Yes I would," Navi said. "All that's left is to unlock the cage."

"How the heck did you get this many fan girls?" Link asked, eyeing the size of the cage.

"They had a sale on Link fan girls at Joe's Pet Shop."

Navi then pulled the latch. The front burst open, and a couple hundred girls ran out through it.

"Whoa," one said, "how did we get here?"

"Oh crap," Link gasped, staring at the hundreds of girls who had just come out of the box.

"Hey its Link!" one girl said, her voice filled with joy.

"Aaauuuggghhh!" Link screamed and ran for his life.

The fan girls chased after him.

"I love you Link!" one shouted.

"Oh crap," Link said before screaming like a little girl.

What are the chances that this one little boy would be able to outrun all three hundred of the girls? Not much. In fact, instead of outrunning them, he was overrun by them. They grabbed him and tied him up and then tried to decide what to do with him. Several of the girls wanted to take Link to a church and marry him, but all of the girls wanted Link, so they began fighting over them. Navi was hiding during this whole time, because one must not mess with fan girls fighting over the object of their obsession. Meanwhile, while they were fighting, Link managed to break out of the ropes.

"He's getting away!" one of the girls shouted.

"Run, run for your life," Navi whispered to Link.

"Shut up!"

Link proceeded to run all the way down death mountain, all the way into DodongoCongos Cavern. The girls followed him of course. He ran through the dungeon, fighting through traps and puzzles with the girls in hot pursuit. Finally he ran into a room where there was a gigantic DodongoCongo. The DodongoCongo began to spit Coconuts at Link.

"Hey!" one of the fan girls shouted, "don't hurt my Link!"

All the girls then proceeded to attack the DodongoCongo. So the gigantic lizard ran for his life, and in the process, he crashed all the way out of the cavern, opening DodongoCongo's cavern once again.

"Yay!" three of the girls shouted. "Link is safe!"

"Oh crap," Link said.

Navi then held out her hand towards the Link fangirls, and sent them back to the real world again.

"Aw man," they said.

"Well that's enough of that," Navi said, "lets go get that red stone."

_**So, you see? You see? You like? You dislike? You wish to give me a big hug? You wish to smack me, and toss me into a sewer? Well, the sewer option is not available. Sorry to those of you who don't like it. And I would prefer it if all the gentlemen would refrain from hugging me. I'll take high fives though. Now I'm starting to sound like Strongbad: "Girls, form a line to my left for make outs. Dudes, form a line to my right for high fives." Okay, never mind. So please leave a kindly review, even if you don't have an account. I do accept anonymous reviews. And please, if you have the time, could you check out my other stories? You don't have to, but could you do it as a favor to me? I have another Zelda fanfic, and a real cool Supernatural Harvest Moon fanfic.**_


	6. Chapter 6 Zora Kingy

**Chapter 6 Zora Kingy**

_**I am so sorry. I kinda got too involved in "Zelda: Fighting Demons," and forgot about this story. I kinda got bored too. So today, I just said "I gotta right more in this story." So I sat down, and all of a sudden wasn't bored any more! So now I am submitting this to you greatful readers whom I love so much. Enjoy.  
**_

"You have done wonderful to open up DodongoCongo's cavern," Darunia (the goron) said happily, roughly smacking Link on the back. "Now you can have the Superkity red stone."

Darunia raised his arms up towards the sky, and a red stone flew out of the air and hit Link in the head.

"You're welcome."

"Ouch!"

"Now go get the next stone."

"What next stone."

"You know," Darunia said. "The Superkitty blue stone of the Zora's."

"Who are the Zora's?"

"You know the guards at Hyrule Castle?"

"Yes."

"You know how they are always talking about their Mother's Brother?"

"Yes."

"The Zora king is their Mother's Brother."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"But I don't want another stone. I want a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy."

"Good, well there is a McDonHyrulealds in Zora's Domain. Now off you go."

Link walked off with Navi. A few hours later, they were walking towards Zora's domain.

"So," Navi asked. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," Link said. "Looks like a pansy town if you ask me. Oof!"

Suddenly a big rock shot out from the river and pounded Link in the head.

"Ixnay on the ansypay," Navi said, looking up into the pool.

"Aaaaauuuuggggghhhh!" Link screamed. "An army of Octorocks!"

The Octorock's chased Link all the way to Zora's domain.

"Why are you chasing me?" Link said, trembling.

"Because you are a traitor to the cause of the Deku Scrubs!" one shouted.

"How did you..."

"The Deku Scrubs are our friends. Octorocks and Deku Scrubs live together in harmony."

"Well," Link said, "I'm afraid we have a problem. You see... uh. You see... Say, are you guy's cool about fire safety?"

"What?" the Octorock's all said in surprise.

"You know, cool about fire safety. Do you have smoke detectors in your houses?"

"Uh, no. We live underwater!"

"Well, you can't be too careful," Link said.

"He's right," one of the Octorock's said. "Lets go put some smoke detectors on the bottom of the river!"

The Octorocks then all ran off to do that, leaving Link and Navi standing there.

"Cool about fire safety?" Navi said. "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life. Where the heck did you get that?"

"The Great Dekunamenut tree was raving about smoke detectors one time," Link said.

"That's just pathetic."

Anyways, to make a long story short (as opposed to the alternative), Link and Navi went into Zora's domain.

"Hey buddy," one Zora said. "You wanna go diving for pennies?"

"Pennies?" Link said. "What the heck are pennies?"

"They are American Currency," the Zora said.

"What the heck is America?"

"Its this great place where they have McDonald's everywhere, and hot dog stands."

"Really? Sounds like a little slice of heaven to me."

"Yeah. Only problem is people hate the politicians there."

"Oh, well we love the King of Hyrule!"

"Oh yeah, and American Streets are paved with Gold," the Zora said.

"Wasn't that Heaven?"

"Well... yeah, your right. Heaven has streets paved with Gold. America has the asphalt streets. Dang! I keep getting them mixed up."

"Amazing that you'd get America mixed up with heaven."

"You should have seen the time I got Christmas mixed up with Mardi Gras. My stockings were full of green and purple necklaces, and plastic doubloons. And I left out some Boudin and Shrimp Cocktail out for Santa Claus. He even left a big thank you note. Thing is, he gets sick of Milk and Cookies all the time."

"Ooookay," Link said. "Can you tell me where McDonHyrulealds is?"

"Its over there," the Zora said, pointing.

"Thank you," Link said, before running into the restaurant.

"Welcome to McDonHyrulealds," the Zora at the counter said.

"You got any Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy's?"

"Naw, we're out of Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy's."

"You got any Big Dawg's Meals?"

"Naw, we're out of Big Dawg's Meals."

"You got any oil and salt infused cheeseburgers?"

"Naw, we're out of oil and salt infused cheeseburgers."

"You got any microwaveable French onions?"

"Naw, we're out of microwaveable French onions."

"Well, you got any Wookie pelts?"

"Wait a minute, I'll go check... Naw, we're out of Wookie pelts."

"Then what do you have?"

"All I got is this past the expiration date box of hot sauce infused fish."

"Then I'll take some of them."

So, Link, after much deliberation, bought the box of hot sauce infused fish. So, Link then continued on his quest, without the Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy.

"There's gotta be another McDonHyrulealds around here," Link said. "Maybe this hallway leads to another one."

No Link, you are very wrong. It actually lead to the Zora throne room, where the gigantic King of the Zora's lived.

"Hello," Link said. "Do you know where I can buy a Big Mac-ayhoscacawatchy?"

"Princess Ruto!" The King screamed, foaming at the mouth. "Where the heck are you! Get over here and clean up this mess in your room! Now!"

"Oookay," Link said. "I think I'll walk this way."

Link turned, and began walking towards the exit.

"Hey boy," the Zora King said, after he finished his seething. "Have you seen my daughter?"

"Not recently," Link said.

"Dang," the King said. "But you've been seeing her in the past?"

"Seeing her as in... like... dating her?"

"Yeah, what did you think I meant?"

"Uh... I thought you meant had I like... seen her around, you know, with my eyes."

"Hey, I saw the Queen back when I was seeing her. I would stare at her like a dead fish. She told me herself."

"That's something I wouldn't tell even my mother about," Link said.

"Seen her?"

"No."

"Want to?"

"No."

"Dang!"

Link then turned, and began walking away again.

"Hey boy, wait a second."

Link turned.

"Yes, your majesty?"

"Hey," the Zora King said. "I'm a King, show proper respect."

"Uh, your highness?"

"Just call me Kingy, thank you very much."

"Okay... Kingy."

"You got twenty five cents?"

"Cents?" Link said. "What the heck are cents?"

"American currency," the King said. "Got any?"

"Um... all I got are a couple of rupees. Why does everyone keep talking about American currency? We're in Hyrule!"

"Uh, because America has streets paved with Gold."

"That's Heaven," Link said, rolling his eyes. "America has asphalt."

"Oh... right. Whatever. Gold, asphalt. Same thing."

"Not really. You chip a piece of asphalt of the ground, no one will buy it, but chip off a piece of gold, you can sell it for a whole lot of money."

"Anyways, ya got twenty five cents? I wanna buy a soda, and it costs twenty five cents."

"I don't have any American money!"

"Fine. Then could you go through this door and get the Princess out of the big whale thingy out there?"

"If the Princess was out there, why did you spend your time shouting for her instead of going after her?"

"I didn't know until I got this urgent telegram. Its addressed to 'Kingy' from 'Inside of Jabi Habi security people.'"

"Okay... I could try."

"Good boy," the King said, as Link walked through the door to Jabi Habi's spring.

_**Oh yeah! Love the American Currency. Gotta love the Zora King. He is so dang awesome. Okay, he could stand to go on a diet, but hey, nobody's perfect. Farewell righteous readers, leave review, and I shall see thee on my return. And leave a nice review please, that means all of you!**_


	7. Chapter 7 Jabi Habi, Habi Jabi

**Chapter 7 Jabi Habi, Habi Jabi**

Okay, if a watermelon married a large mouth bass, that child would be Jabi Habi. I think further description is not needed. Anyways, Link walked up to the gigantic fish, and looked it in the eyes. It just stared back at him.

"Okay," Link said. "So, if Princess Ruto is inside this guy, how the heck are we gonna get her out?"

"Try talking to Jabi Habi," Navi said.

"Hey Jabi," Link said. "Could you do me a favor. Could you upchuck the princess please?"

The fish just stared back at him.

"Oookay. That didn't work."

"Feed him the past the expiration date hot sauce infused fish," Navi suggested.

"Okay," Link said before tossing the box into Jabi Habi's mouth. Jabi Habi swallowed it, and then began to scream. His face turned bright red, and he began to breath fire. Link leapt out of the way of the wall of fire.

"Okay," he said. "Whoever said these were hot sauce infused fish was dang right."

"You got that right," Navi said.

"But who was the original person who was right?"

"I don't know, whoever thought this up first was right."

"But what if I'm the first person to be right because I was the first to be right?"

"Then you would be the first person to be right."

"So I'm right then?"

"No, I'm right."

"What makes you right?"

"I'm a fairy, therefore am always right."

"But what if you aren't right."

"A glitch in the rightness program."

"I still think I'm right."

"Well you're wrong."

Suddenly Jabi Habi stopped breathing fire, and threw up a pretty young female Zora, and a dead jellyfish looking thing. The female Zora, obviously Princess Ruto, was unconscious.

"Quick Link," Navi said. "You gotta give her mouth to mouth respiration."

"What the heck does Respiration mean?"

"Oh crap," Navi said. "Hurry! She's not breathing, you gotta save her."

"What the heck is Respiration?"

"You know, breath for her."

"Okay," Link said, before breathing deeply. "My breaths don't appear to be transferring to her."

"No!" Navi shouted. "Put your mouth against her mouth, and breath into her mouth! Jeez! You are dense!"

"Yes Navi, I know I am a big hunk, but knock it off."

"Oookay," Navi said. "That's just disturbing."

"Okay fine, I think I get it now. I'll dang give her dang mouth to mouth already!"

So after Link finished doing that, the Zora girl began to breath on her own then she woke up.

"Hey!" she said. "You defeated Barinade!"

The Zora Princess pointed at the dead jellyfish creature.

"Um," Link said, "actually I didn't do anything, I just..."

"You... you were pretty cool, you know. Ask for anything you want, and I'll grant your wish."

Link began to blush, the Zora girl was looking at him with a very... interesting look.

"Um... well, I would like a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy, and a large coffee for the Great Dekunamenut Tree."

"Okay, I'll give you my mother's stone as an engagement present!"

"What?"

Ruto holds her hands up int the air, there is a blue flash of light, and a blue stone falls down and hits Link on the head.

"Wish they'd stop doing that," Link said.

"Well, see you later darling!" Ruto then jumped into the water and swam away.

Link just stands there staring straight ahead.

"That was... interesting," Navi says.

the later bus come and send Link to laterness. So go to laterness and see Link.

"Welcome to Laterness!"

"What did you say?" Link asked.

"I said the new guard is a real hot potato!"

"Oh crap," Link started shivering. "That is about the weirdest thing I have heard today."

Navi bashed him on the head.

"Ow?" he said.

"What?" Zelda asked.

"What?" Link said.

"You said..." Zelda began.

"Ow," Link said.

"What?" Zelda asked.

"Repeat that please?" Link said.

"What?" Zelda asked.

"Repeat that!" Link said.

"I did," Zelda said.

"What should I repeat?" Link asked.

"Ow," Zelda said.

"Something hurt you?" Link asked.

"NO! YOUR SUPPOSED TO REPEAT THAT LINK!" Zelda shouted.

"Oh crap!" Link jumped back. "But I thought you were supposed to repeat something."

"Forget it."

"What?"

"NEVERMIND!"

Link cringed.

"SORRY! I AM ANGRY BECAUSE MY DAD DROPPED A SACK OF POTATOES ON A MUSHROOM YESTERDAY!"

Link ran away screaming. Suddenly he got pelted in the head with an electric guitar.

"Aaaaaa!"

"Hear that Navi? Its the song of storms!" Link fell unconscious.

Suddenly Hammermaster broke down the walls and runs into the story singing.

"Can you heeeeeeaaaaar the prayer of the children. On bended knee. In the shadow of an unknown room. Empty eyes with no more tears to cry. Turning heavenward. Towards the li-"

"Yo buddy," Navi said.

"Excuse me," the Great Hammermaster said. "But I'm trying to sing a song!"

"Could you please stop!"

"Why?" the Great Hammermaster asks.

"Because you just knocked out the Hero of Time."

"Oh. That wasn't me, that was the electric guitar of time."

"We got an electric guitar of time!" Navi's eyes got all big and shiny. "Cool!"

Hammermaster then jumps on a horse, and starts riding off into the sunset.

The End

"No!" Navi shouted. "Its not the end! This is just the beginning!"

Once upon a time there was a man named Hammermaster. He slayed many dragons and saved many people and was therefore knighted Sir Hammermaster.

"No!" Navi shouted. "Its not the beginning either!"

The Dragon sneered down at the Knight, who raised his hammer against it. But the brave knight just said "Release the Princess or I shall kill you!" The Dragon roared, and

"No!" Navi cried, her cheeks red.

Fine then Navi, have it your way. Then I'm going to end the chapter. So ha!

"No wai-"

End Chapter.


	8. Chapter 8 SCRAED

**Chapter 8 SCRAED**

"Hey," Link said upon awakening. "Lets take this guitar to the Temple of Time and wing out some snazzy beats."

"Says Mr. Tone Deaf," Navi said.

"I am not tone deaf!"

"Fine," Navi said. "Just irresistible to girls I see."

"Girls are icky," Link said.

"Okay, NOW you are being immature," Navi said.

"I am not immature!"

Anyways, eventually they somehow made it to the Temple of Time, and Link started "rocking out." Basically, he broke three strings and reduced his pick to a shredded piece of plastic.

"Oops!" Link said.

"You got that right," Navi said, zapping the electric guitar with a beam of blue magic which mended the strings and fixed his pick. "Now play the song of time!"

"Okay! Song of Time! Song of Time!" Link played a bunch of weird chords.

"You can't play worth beans," Navi said.

"Silence," Link said. "I'm trying to rock out!"

Eventually after much butchering of chords and much straining of strings link managed to play a simple melody. Then through some otherworldly power (or maybe just because Link's music was so bad) the wall in front of him fell apart. There was a sword in a pedestal ahead of him.

Link walked up to the pedestal, put his hands on the top of the sword, and pulled. And then, the sword was suddenly released from the pedestal. He pulled it out. Blatant Sword in the Stone rip of here. Is nothing sacred?

"Shut up," Navi said.

No, you shut up.

"I got the sword!" Link said happily. "Now..."

Then he got hit on the head with a falling anvil and fell unconscious.

"You idiot!" Ganondorf said, walking in. "You've lead me to the word Sacred (see above where Hammermaster said "Is nothing sacred?") in the book! Now I know how to spell it! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha! Hahahaha!"

After Ganondorf wastes paper, he accidentally kicks a button which says: "Warp thingy of doom."

Suddenly Link gets grabbed by a giant hand that makes him fall asleep for a hundred or so years... Okay! Just seven years.

"No!" Ganon shouts in anger, and in his rage he accidentally pushes another button which says: "the break Sacred apart and scatter it everywhere button."

"Noooooo!" Suddenly Sacred gets broken apart.

SCE

D

RA

And there you go. So now that the SCRAED was split apart it got chucked everywhere.

"Oh darnit!" Ganondorf then accidentally hi the "make me rule the world" button. "Cool!"

Then he turned to walk out the door and accidentally bonked his head on the "shave my head button."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Ganon screamed and ran out of the temple, where a magic razor shaved his head.


	9. Chapter 9 Navi: The Great Coordinator

**Chapter 9 Navi: The Great Coordinator**

**_Whew, after a long break its good to write stories about Link getting attacked by his many admirers again. Sorry for the long delay, I was bored of writing this one for a while, but just finally got back into it. Enjoy!_**

Dreams. Yup, Link fell asleep for seven years and he dreamed. What did he dream of you ask? Your better off not knowing. Okay fine. Well, first of all everything was framed with a background of donuts. First he dreamed that Zelda bought a new box of mushrooms, and was feeding it to a chicken. Then he dreamed that Saria was making out with him. Then he dreamed that one of the four Kokiri sisters was making out with him. Then Malon. Then the girl clerk at the Kokiri shop. Then Ruto. And then donuts. Lots and lots of donuts. And then, even more donuts. Then he dreamed that all the girls in Hyrule were chasing him. Then he woke up screaming.

"Link..."

"What?" Link looked up and saw Rauru. "Oh, hey Rauru."

"How did you know my name?" Rauru asked.

"I uh... I read your profile," Link said.

"Oh!" Rauru said. "Well, guess what. You've been asleep for seven years."

Link's eyes widened.

"Holy crap! Seven dang years! I must be... seventeen!"

"What a wonderful observation," Navi said, popping out of nowhere.

"Link!" Rauru said. "Look at yourself!"

Link ran to a pool of blue stuff that was not water and looked at his reflection. His eyes grew really wide.

"Holy crap!"

"Yes," Rauru said. "You're all grown up now."

"So I lost seven years of my life! Dang, I hate this crap."

"Oh quit your whining Link," Rauru said. "I tried my best to make it up to you. While you were asleep I played a lot of dating advice movies and "how to get a girl" instructions for you on the television so that your subconscious mind would absorb it. So now you are all prepped!"

"Oh! That explains the dreams."

"Now go save a Princess or something," Rauru then sent Link back to the real world.

"Oh," Link said. "Cool."

So Link waltzed right out of the Temple of Time and straight into Ganon infested Hyrule. When he walked into the market he noticed that all the buildings were broken and everyone had left.

"Woah crap!" Link said. "Was it the commies?"

Navi bonked him on the head.

"Communists don't exist in this game!" she said.

"Oh whatever," Link said. "Aw, he totaled my favorite restaurant! Now I'm angry!"

So anyways, they walked through the broken Hyrule Market, and called the insurance company to come fix it all.

"So we got warped to the future and all," Navi said.

"Guess so," Link said. "But why?"

"Maybe they have better Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy's in the future."

"So now I gotta get a Big Mac-ayhosacawatchy and a large coffee, go back in time, and then give the coffee to the Great Dekunamenut Tree?"

"Hmmm," Navi looked over at Ganon's castle. "Well you might say your supposed to beat the living crap out of Ganondorf, save the princes, then fight the true form of Ganondorf, and then run off with the burger."

"Hmmm," Link said. "Now there's an idea. Lets go look around and see what we can find."

"Right," Navi said.

"Okay!" Link then started skipping for the entrance like a kid.

"Uh..." Navi watched in disgust. "Stupid... mind of child in man's body thing."

So anyways they embarked on a mighty quest, fighting all obstacles to find the end. Okay, maybe it wasn't all that mighty. Link didn't do much fighting.

Anyways, with a hop, skip, and a fall off of a gigantic cliff they were on their way to the Kokiri forest. Little did Link know, but the Kokiri girls had laid a trap for him for when he arrived.

"AAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!" Link screamed as he fell off a gigantic cliff.

So anyways he fell down to the Kokiri forest on his way to a trap.

"Hey wait!" Link stopped. "We're walking into a trap!"

"Says who?" Navi asked.

"The Narrator says! And he never lies, right?"

Right.

"Oh for heaven sakes," Navi sighed, "who'd want to set a trap for you?"

"The Kokiri girls!"

"Ooo. Well, that would be quite entertaining, lets go!"

"Noooo!"

Anyways Link was walking in the forest when suddenly he stepped over a trip wire.

"Whoops," Link said. "Was I supposed to have tripped over that?"

Then he looked up and saw a sign on a tree which said: "Link, trip on the trip wire."

"Oh, okay."

Link tripped on the wire causing a rope to wrap around his leg and hoist him up into the air, hanging him upside down a foot above the ground.

"Linky!" the Kokiri girls shouted as they ran out of hiding and started hugging him.

"Oh crap!" Link said as Navi started laughing.

Then he noticed something. All the Kokiri girls were grown up!

"Holy crap! I thought Kokiri didn't grow up!"

"Oh Link! You're so hot now!"

"Well apparently the Great Dekunamenut Tree tricked you," Navi said.

Far off the Great Dekunamenut Tree was laughing his head off while the Kokiri girls started squabbling over Link.

"I get to make out with him first!"

"No me!"

"No me!"

"The trap was my idea."

"But I set it up!"

"You're both wrong! It was my idea to trap Link in the first place!"

"Uh... oh..." Link moaned.

Navi burst out laughing.

"Shut up," Link murmered, "and hurry up and get me out of here."

"Why?" Navi chortled. "I like the entertainment."

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

"Mine mine mine!"

"Oooo," one of the girls said while stroking Link's cheeks, "you're cheeks are soooo soft!"

"Oh crap..." Link mumbled.

"Mine!"

"Mine!"

Well that went on for about an hour or so before Navi finally relented and magic zapped Link out of there.

"Okay, put your tray tables up and your seat back in the full upright position," Navi chortled. "We're busting out of here! Setting coordinates for the Forest Temple..."

"Just go already!" Link shouted.

"Hold on, hold on. It'll take a few moments to get the coordinates from the Navi-computer. Ha! Get it?"

Link gave her a dumb look.

"Get it?"

Silence.

"Navi-computer... and my name is Navi, right?"

"That's histerical Navi, now get us out of here."

"Fine fine, you kids these days have no sense of humor."

So anyways Navi activated the great Teleporter thingy majiger of all time, but she unfortunately got the coordinates wrong.

"What ever are we doing in the Kakariko desert?" Link asked.

"Gerudo Desert, numskull," Navi replied.

"Navi..."

"Don't say it."

"You-"

"Sh!"

"-got the-"

"Sh!"

"Would you cut that out!"

"Shut up! Quiet! Shhhhhhh!"

"But you got the-"

"-coordinates wrong, I KNOW! Give me a few seconds and I'll reset the coordinates."

"Forget it," Link said. "This time I'll take the train."

"Train?" Navi looked up. "What train? That's not possible!"

Before them stood a large train track with a blue tank engine with "I think I can" carved in the side of it.

"But its 1874," Navi said.

"1874!" Link said. "Are you crazy! We haven't even invented the Gregorian calender yet! Where have you been?"

"Uh... well I was just sitting around for seven dang years waiting for YOU to wake up! Jeez! Have some respect. What do you think I did? Knit the whole time?"

Flashback-

Navi sits around knitting the whole time.

"Shut up!" Navi roared.

_**Yeah baby, I love this book. I may not work on it steadily, but I love the pure craziness of it all. The next chapter will probably come along quickly so keek an eye out.**_


End file.
